I’ve always considered myself creative. I am always daydreaming and coming up with story ideas and characters in my head. I have a rich internal universe, which I’ve spent a lot of time in over the last year or so. It’s comforting and interesting, but can be a little lonely after awhile. Sometimes I think “I should really write a book—I’ve started several in the last few years—but then I stall when I run into a plot hole or other roadblock. And then I start wondering if I have anything worth sharing with others, or if I should just keep my inner universe to myself.
I’m in a timid place right now. At this moment, I don’t feel a whole lot of daring. I don’t know if I have the chutzpah to do anything more than just bumble along. Not feeling too visionary right now. I’m not on fire about any goals or anything. I haven’t decided if I’m okay with this or annoyed with this. Up until this past year, I think I’ve always been chasing after something, some goal, some dream, something. I was productive—or at least I FELT productive. This past year, I’ve kind of loafed around. It’s been nice, but I feel vaguely guilty about it—like I’m wasting time—but I don’t have any goals in the works—other than “keep the kids alive” but they are pretty autonomous now, so I don’t have to work too hard at that, really.
A couple of years ago, I gave up on a dream I had been pursuing for some time. It was a personal goal, one that challenged me physically, mentally, and emotionally. It was rough going, giving up—because I felt like a failure and like I was unworthy to dream again, because I was too weak willed to continue what I’d started. It took me a long time to figure out that sometimes you have to try things to find out what you DON’T want out of life. Eventually, I was able to forgive myself for giving up, but I struggled to allow myself to create new dreams for myself—what if I just didn’t have the fortitude? What if I am lazy? What if I waste resources? What if I’m just a loser? I’ve been struggling with negative self talk since I walked away from that dream from two years ago. It’s hard to want to try new things and I have felt so uninspired and apathetic. I tried to tell myself that I was just burnt out and needed a sabbatical—so I took my 40th birthday year to allow myself to do nothing, telling myself I was just taking a break from all the hard work I was doing for what appeared to be little gain. I even posted on this blog that I was taking a sabbatical year—a “midlife crisis” year to just chill and do nothing. To be honest, I kind of needed it—just so I could assess what I really want out of life, and that’s been a good thing, but I’ve also realized that I still do a lot of living out of fear. That’s a big part of why I haven’t written here in so long. I don’t know that I have anything worth saying or continuing on this blog, but I’ve gotten tired of doing nothing. I’m tired of feeling tired and apathetic, so I’m exploring some new dreams—in the context of how I want to feel—not so much what I want to accomplish. I have determined I am not very task oriented. I don’t get a whole lot of satisfaction out of checking off boxes on a to-do list. My currency is how something makes me feel. I don’t necessarily want to be the most accomplished person in the world—or even in my household—but I do want to feel connected, respected, and in control. I want to feel heard and understood, and I want to hear and understand others. I want to feel creative and lively. Those are my new dreams.