Advent of Light: Dream

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A couple of years ago, I gave up on a dream I had been pursuing for some time. It was a personal goal, one that challenged me physically, mentally, and emotionally. It was rough going, giving up—because I felt like a failure and like I was unworthy to dream again, because I was too weak willed to continue what I’d started.  It took me a long time to figure out that sometimes you have to try things to find out what you DON’T want out of life.  Eventually, I was able to forgive myself for giving up, but I struggled to allow myself to create new dreams for myself—what if I just didn’t have the fortitude? What if I am lazy? What if I waste resources? What if I’m just a loser? I’ve been struggling with negative self talk since I walked away from that dream from two years ago.  It’s hard to want to try new things and I have felt so uninspired and apathetic. I tried to tell myself that I was just burnt out and needed a sabbatical—so I took my 40th birthday year to allow myself to do nothing, telling myself I was just taking a break from all the hard work I was doing for what appeared to be little gain.  I even posted on this blog that I was taking a sabbatical year—a “midlife crisis” year to just chill and do nothing.  To be honest, I kind of needed it—just so I could assess what I really want out of life, and that’s been a good thing, but I’ve also realized that I still do a lot of living out of fear. That’s a big part of why I haven’t written here in so long.  I don’t know that I have anything worth saying or continuing on this blog, but I’ve gotten tired of doing nothing. I’m tired of feeling tired and apathetic, so I’m exploring some new dreams—in the context of how I want to feel—not so much what I want to accomplish.  I have determined I am not very task oriented. I don’t get a whole lot of satisfaction out of checking off boxes on a to-do list. My currency is how something makes me feel.  I don’t necessarily want to be the most accomplished person in the world—or even in my household—but I do want to feel connected, respected, and in control.  I want to feel heard and understood, and I want to hear and understand others. I want to feel creative and lively. Those are my new dreams.

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